I have been re dating David. That should be enough to make my emotions go into over drive. I have been able to keep them into check, until recently.
I was on a date and I was so shocked on the levels of emotions I felt. All good happy full heart stuff. Kinda amazing that a simple date could become so overwhelming. We started listening to records in his room. My mind went to a place and has a hard time leaving that behind.
What did I start thinking? I use to be crazy. I let how I felt control me. Just to give you a idea what our time line was. Date one month practically start living together. With in the 3 following months we had several events that brought us insanely close. (We still have that closeness) We decided to move to Portland together. I got swept into the emotions and expectations of people and the tri-cities, and started talking wedding and crazy people things. I was forced into ending things. I didn't have a choice. I was hurt and forced to reevaluate who I was. I think it was right and needed. I could have done with our the heart break and betrayal of my heart with the jeana thing and how serious it was so quickly after we were us. Made me feel like I never was anything. Replaceable.
Thinking all that. Why was I so crazy. I needed this perspective. I may have got a but caught up in that same set of feelings and emotions. It scared me. It was my feelings and who I am that scarred this day guy away a mere 6 months ago. I know it takes two people for a relationship. And I was not the only driver. But the fear is there. I know he cares for me. But he got over me, clearly. So much so he fell in love, they moved in together. I became nothing more but a past memory.
I love that we are dating. Getting to renew who we were. I don't want to be who we were. I want better, and I think we are on that path. But I also don't want my fears to control me. Or let my emotions control me or my fears.
I wish he knew how to talk about his feelings so I would know how he feels. Rather than playing poker with an invisible emotion with no taste. Till than I need several reality checks, grounding me to what is. I'm dating my ex. His title: EX nothing more, nothing less. For now.
