2013

This year has been full of UPS and downs. I had my heart broken, made new friends, got a new job, or two, went on several dates, some bad, others awful, some ok, found new hobbies, traveled new places and ate lots of great food.

 

I'm sure the world knows David and I broke up January of this year. Shattered my heart and I attempted to move on and heal my heart. He started to date a girl I well I loathed. Salt on the wound. So I did what I can do. Met a few men, went on dates. Met some interesting people and further proof I hate dating. So many amazing new friends Anita, Brett, Jacquelyn, John, David, Paul, Mary  and many more through work.

 

I went camping, floating, hiking, boating, shopping, site seeing and learned of some awesome places.

 

David and I re-connected while things started ok, they grew rocky, got good, went back to rocky, now I feel like we are solid and getting closer to where we use to. I also reconnected and grew closer with Sheila, re-established our friendship. Got to see Corbin who I didn't get to see for  almost 9 months.

 

I look forward to 2014 and see what the new year brings, good or bad, ill be ready.

 

 

 

 

My life changed

I know life changes. I understand, but sometimes it's hard to take life in. What I need to do is just learn how to deal.

I thought I took in things and I thought I was ok. But I'm learning now that it's taking things longer to settle in.

Emotions are a fickle unwanted friend

I have been re dating David. That should be enough to make my emotions go into over drive. I have been able to keep them into check, until recently.

I was on a date and I was so shocked on the levels of emotions I felt. All good happy full heart stuff. Kinda amazing that a simple date could become so overwhelming. We started listening to records in his room. My mind went to a place and has a hard time leaving that behind.

What did I start thinking? I use to be crazy. I let how I felt control me. Just to give you a idea what our time line was. Date one month practically start living together.  With in the 3 following months we had several events that brought us insanely close. (We still have that closeness) We decided to move to Portland together.  I got swept into the emotions and expectations of people and the tri-cities, and started talking wedding and crazy people things. I was forced into ending things. I didn't have a choice. I was hurt and forced to reevaluate who I was. I think it was right and needed. I could have done with our the heart break and betrayal of my heart with the jeana thing and how serious it was so quickly after we were us. Made me feel like I never was anything. Replaceable.

Thinking all that. Why was I so crazy. I needed this perspective. I may have got a but caught up in that same set of feelings and emotions. It scared me. It was my feelings and who I am that scarred this day guy away a mere 6 months ago. I know it takes two people for a relationship. And I was not the only driver. But the fear is there. I know he cares for me. But he got over me, clearly. So much so he fell in love, they moved in together. I became nothing more but a past memory.

I love that we are dating. Getting to renew who we were. I don't want to be who we were. I want better, and I think we are on that path. But I also don't want my fears to control me. Or let my emotions control me or my fears.

I wish he knew how to talk about his feelings so I would know how he feels. Rather than playing poker with an invisible emotion with no taste.  Till than I need several reality checks, grounding me to what is. I'm dating my ex. His title: EX nothing more, nothing less. For now.

Thoughts and feeling

I really hate to say this, but its been April since my last blog. And even more sadly its about David. I wish I blogged about some of the new things that I have experienced since my move to Portland, so this way it wasn't another blog about him.

David and I are dating again. All good things I'm sure, however they come with my own set of fears. I am scared. I am so scared that he will not want me, or will choose to think I am not who or what he wants. I fear he will not ever feel what he felt before. I have this fear because he clearly got over me. So much so that he was in a serious committed relationship within a week of us breaking up. I know that he was manipulated into it, and to a degree I understand. BUT that was only a week. He and I still have a connection, and he is so afraid of me still. He has not said this, but I feel it.

I want to guard my heart and not let it get hurt again, but don't know how. I never stopped loving or caring for him. When he was able to move on past me. People have given me advise, which is all fine and dandy. It's one to give, but to listen and be-able to actually act on this advice is another.

I am a much different person since our split. Yet I am still the same. I am not sure what lays in front of me, yet another fear. A huge part of me wants to tell him not to date me until he wants me, but I'm so afraid to not have him in my life again.  I re-read what I wrote and the pain I felt when it ended. Its all still there.

Until than I guess I will keep walking on egg shells, until I figure out a better way to do this whole thing.

One year ago.

One year ago I wrote this on a bathroom stall.

Sad that the writings on wall lasted us. And ended up wrong for now. I still hope that this story is not over.

Please notice the dr who reference.

Going for a run

Yes I'm an emotional hot mess. Get over it. I drank too much wine to drive so I walked to go tan. Weird as it was u found my self running and crying. I have cried more today than I'd like to ha e ever admit to.

I have been so strong for so long I'm over today is my weak day today I allow my self to be weak and cry.

Sure enough I was running unable to stope for 10 min crying most if the way.

I'm ready to be done now. Emotionally now.

Do you believe?

Do you? Do you believe that we all have this path we have set in front of us? I do.

I feel However there are things that get in the way of the signal. Like crazy static that shadows us from our true potential capabilities.

I hope I have made the right choices in life at least the big ones. I donot know what is in front of me any more and it scares me so much. I do a good job of putting on a good face. But hardly anything good has happened to me. Sometimes I can't help but wonder why. Why me.

Why me to loose David. Why should I have to wait until I'm over 30 to fall in love. Why do I have to be stong for everyone all the time. Why should I hurt. Why am I the one to always loose. Why am I still so damn defective after all these years.

Today I wonder, why me.

Trying

Things with my heart are settled down a bit. However when I think of what I lost my heart hits a hard beat. Thudding loudly against my chest as it squeezes tightly. I can feel the pain as it courses through my body.

I await the day when the thoughts of betrayal, love, heart, and desire of David seem not to cross into my brain. I love him and I know that was real. With every ounce of my life and being this was real. The most real thing I have ever felt. I hate what I have gone through I still have the hope that we are not done. No way we can be done. But before that can happen I need to not think of him. Or of what he's done. Or even of what we had. I need to heal I need to go days, weeks with out thinking of any part of him or it before I can heal. I can not move on or move forward until than in his words. "Misery".

A friend sent this to and it speaks volumes:

"....each day is, in a certain sense, a complete life by itself. It has its own duties, its own trial,its own burdens and its own needs. The very best we can do for the perfecting of our life as a whole, is to live the one day well. We should put all our thought and energy and skill into the duty of each day, wasting no strength, either in grieving over yesterday's failures -- or in anxiety about tomorrow's responsibilities." ~ J.R. Miller

Life in February

Well life is getting better. I hurt all the time. I been out on a few dates some bad some fairly fun. I'm putting my self out there and I'm trying to forget David. Really trying.

I'm living in Tualitian, Ore. As for location moves I'm happy with my choice to do so. Yes things have been an emotional roller coaster for me. But it's beautiful here. I been spending a lot of time at the local dog park. It's been nice to talk to random people.

This is one of the road routes to my work. It's an ok change. I just never wanna fall in love again!

To David

It's been one month not even a week some days are better than others today I find myself in a western bar with my roommate watching couples so in love it hurts. I know this isn't our scene. But seeing how in love others are pisses me off. I miss you and my heart yearns for what it is that we have.

There is too much shit in my life going to be so alone. Your a coward and a fool for your choices. People travel the world searching for the wonders if the world only to find them in their own back yards. You had what people search for.

I hate that deep down I can't let you go. I'm afraid of loosing you completely. I have been trying to put my self out there. I actually been on two dates with two different guys. I'm trying here. But the situation you left me in is aweful. Plain aweful.

I hope you search and look and never find what we have. Heal and fix your self. Do this all and come back to me.

Until than your a selfish fucking coward!

And this this is my ultimate low. This is my life. Now I'm just done.

Life

Well life has been throwing me so many curve balls when I have been playing hockey, that I don't know what's what any more.

Things have officially hit rock bottom. I will not go into the gross details. But I feel like I am below my lowest low. Even lower emotionally than California (this time with out the depression).

Things have been ruff. All I want is David to wrap his arms around me and kiss my neck. And wake up to Cory wanting to watch my little pony. These are what u crave for comfort! But David needs to grow the duck up! He needs to learn we have what everyone is searching for. This is what people date for. I hope he doesn't realize it too late. I need him in my life! But if I love him u need to set him free.

This time I am not sure of much but I do know that there is only one way to go. Up. Right. Man do I hope so!

Onwards and upwards! Life hand me a break soon! My mom needs one too if your handing them out.

Emptiness

My heart feels empty, lost, and alone. It's been my entire adult hood. Finally I meet a man that filled me with joy and happiness I didn't know I was missing. Now it's gone. I don't know how to hand it.

I have things to look forward to. My move to Portland. New job. It's a big scary move. I thought I was going to have David's support but I feel it dissipating slowing. When he's not around me our love we shared feels cold and distant. But when we see each other there is a charge in the air that fills my body with electricity. I feel love.

That is what I'll misstate of all.

Running away

There comes a breaking point in a lot of people's life's, some have more than others. I have hit one of mine.

So I now sit here on a price of driftwood from some unknown location, staring out into the deeps of the ocean. Reflecting. Sadly nothing positive coming to mind. These thoughts are what intrude my head:

"2013 is our year, baby"

I'm single

This can't be it.

I need to have faith. Faith in me and in us

If you love something. Let it go and hope if finds its way back.

Those are a few of my thoughts for the day.

Break up

My world has been flipped inside out. What I thought was a fairy tale romance that could stand the test of time came to a shattering holt.

David and I have come to the semi-agreement that we need to work on our selfs to become better us's. Sadly that also means dating other people. I'm not certain that I can jump into any relationship casual, sexual, or otherwise.

What it is I need to work on: Me. I tend to neglect myself quite often. I see myself tipping the scales in the wrong direction. I no longer climb badger that I use to love so much. I don't wear make up. I don't dance. For anyone who's known me knows I dance and love it. May not be close to good at it , but man did I love it. I find myself caught up in taking care of everyone else I lost my self. David has been extremely wonderful in reminding me who I was without him knowing it. He's done so much that he doesn't even realize what it is he's actually helped me on. One day I hope to get the chance to show him. I will also need to get more cultured to the world around me. This one is for him and me too, how can it not help me knowing more about the world around me.

I also need to work on commitment word dropping. I might have a tendency to drop words like "forever" and "when I get married". This scares David. But not me. Cause they are words. Just that. Marriage and forever can be a high expectation and all the fear to follow. It scares me too. But, when I think of my life and where I want to be. Or what I want to do I always envision ex him experiencing things with me. Trying new things, places and experiences. End result I don't need marriage now or even soon. I was really loving where things were and what was ahead of us.

What I'm hoping for, is that what we have not for nothing lost love. Love was never an issue. Not at all. Neither of us have not had control of these feelings for each other since the start of our story. I'm still grasping to fully understand the reality of this new life we have without each other. Even though we may try and spend time together here and there, this will ultimately end for what I hope will be a short period of time.

I have faith in us. That what is meant to be will be.

New Year New Begginings

2012 was by the best year I have had in a string of not so good years. Met David, increased my family not only by 1 but 2! I feel so wonderful and I am hoping for good things to come. So with the fresh start of a New Year, we all get to make our own resolutions. Yes I have the standard loose 10 pounds, but also keep my frugal living growing. Eat healthier so on and so forth. 

Well this year I'm telling myself I want more. Humanity may not be at its best right now. But what do we our-selfs have the power to do? Recycle? Plant trees? Be less wasteful? Well yes all that. It will, however, take years to do see any results from our actions of today. So I am making a point this year to do 12 Random acts of Kindness. Goal is to at least one per month. I am looking for suggestions on what I can do.

To start the year off I am going to purchase a set of Lotto Tickets and either hand them out to Strangers, or attach them to a few gas pumps in Kennewick. I may not be-able to actually help some one or even see if they find it. BUT I will know that I did try. And that sure will feel wonderful!